accounts from auj's progression through life

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The daemon and my angel

I battled with my daemon. The part of me that wants to be sad. what is that anyway? Why is that?

I fought, I prepared, I let it grip me closer and embraced it for a moment. I dragged others into my mood.

I played piano and Miguel said I was making him sad. I wanted him to leave me to my mood. To let me play it out on my own.

Later in bed I screamed at Miguel, I fought and threw my blanket at him. He was lying in a heap of blankets, looking at me, not understanding. He was confused and disappointed. I had promised a long time ago I wouldn't throw anything at him again. I had promised to do my best to control my rage when I was overcome. I wasn't trying very hard this night.

Miguel had told me that I wanted to be sad. He didn't feel sorry for me.

The next evening, a conversation with my mom. I told her I was feeling depressed. She had a nightmare that night where I had stolen her car and told her I was on a multitude of drugs. She told me the dream in detail the next day. She was worried about me.

I worked a nightshift with Jessica and we didn't talk the whole time. This is a new habit that I prefer to hearing her stories of how she slept with some guy or how she can't stop going back to the guy who we've all predicted would eventually abuse her physically. She is so weak and it makes me angry jsut to hear what she has to say.

Not talking all night changed my mood. I wasn't able to spread my mood over any other person and eventually I realised my problem was trivial. I felt very much better by the end of the night.

Feeling depressed, for me is useless. It's not worht it to shut out the ones you love or have them feel sorry for you. I got through it. I feel level again.

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I dropped Miguel off at the airport on Wednesday. His face turned red and puffy the moments before we parted ways. I watched him go through the gates. Tears wet my face for a moment.

I went almost directly to school after that. I had promised Miguel I would go even though i felt like crying in bed for the rest of the night.

I'm glad I went to class. It was an interesting lecture about optical effects in gemstones. I'm still disappointed about the truth that most sapphires you see on the market are heat-treated. They are my favourite gemstone and now I know that they are not 100% natural as we see them. Oh well.

I talked to Miguel for the first time since he left last night. His words were beautiful. I cried throughout the entire conversation. They were relieved and happy tears. Our love is still the same with all this distance between us.

He sounded so happy. He kept telling me how beautiful everything is and how much I will love it there.

I don't need to dream of Mexico. I'm almost there.

4:06 p.m. - 2006-11-21

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echo - impact